Rainbow

So... the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same sex marriage.

And... I'm gonna say something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now...

ABOUT DAMN TIME!!

Why the Hell did it take so damn long for people to realize that it's OK to love other people? Love! Why did it take this long to decide that marriage is a covenant between two people who love each other deeply?

It's all love.
And Love rules!

So go get your rainbow on!

It's legal! :)

C'est la Vie.
Viva la Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Just Gonna Say This....

Just me being me. 

Just a word...

Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parent's job. If they can't accept you for you, that's their problem. All that matters is that you're you, and you love you. Everything else can deal with itself.
It doesn't matter who says or thinks what about you. No one knows you like you know you. Love yourself. Believe me, it's easier.
It doesn't matter what size you are, what your romantic interests are, what your personal identity is.
It's you. You are you. No one else can change that.
Accept yourself.
That is all. :)

C'est la Vie.
Viva la Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Trying To Move On

So an update on what's been going on with me...
I am now officially single. Things were going downhill, and so he ended it. Even though I was considering ending things anyway, I still miss him. Like hella bad. It's crazy. Everywhere I go, I see things that remind me of him. And I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. I guess, I just fell harder than I had expected. I'll get over it of course. I'll move on, and find someone new. 'I just wish saying goodbye wasn't so damn difficult. I wish I could stop thinking about all the good times we had together, and realize that it was never going to work out anyway. I'm just being a little immature right now, but I'll get over it.
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed hot_tunes♪♫

....And Then Things Fall Apart

I know I might sound like a generic jealous girlfriend, but I don't think I can trust my boyfriend anymore. I read some of his text messages (don't judge, his phone was right there, and he doesn't have a phone lock), I mean there were some typical guy-ish text messages: "I'm surrounded by sexy girls right now" and messages of the sort that guys always send to their other guy friends, so those didn't bother me really. What did bother me though were the text messages he sent to this girl, lets's call her Sally. I mean he was talking to her like they were in a full blown relationship, calling her babydoll (which is my nickname) and telling her how much seeing her made him happy, and how she spoke like poetry (WTF?). Her responses didn't bother me, and if I met her, I wouldn't have any issues with her. Her texts back to him stated that she was already in a relationship, and if he was dating me (he told her about me), why was he saying things like that to her?

And then the other night, which was supposedly our last night together before he did his time, he told me he was going to 7-Eleven, and that he was going to be gone for 20 minutes. Well the 20 minutes turned into 4 hours, and when he showed up, he was like ill. Like I mean projectile vomiting ill, though he was just fine when he left. I know some of you are probably thinking, well, sometimes you can get sick just like that. But he had just gotten over being sick. I'm not saying that it couldn't have just been bad luck for him, but I seriously doubt it.

Personally, I think he's doing drugs again. And that breaks my heart. But even if he's not, everything else, the lying, the texts, the distance is just getting to be to much. I want to trust him, and I'm trying not to judge him based on my ideas, but it's hard.
I mean from the fact that he never touches me anymore, to his secrecy is really making me wonder whether or not it's worth it to even attempt to continue this relationship. Right now, I'm thinking not.
But we'll see how things go.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫
 

So Close, Yet So Far

So I've been dating this guy for about a month, and it's been great. But recently, he just seems uninterested.
He'll ask me over to spend the night, and spend the entire time staring at the tv. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not an attention junkie. I get it that clingy girls are a huge turnoff to guys, so I give him space. But every girl just needs to cling every now and then, am I right ladies? 
I mean, this is what a night at his place used to consist of: We would cuddle on the loveseat, and start a movie. About fifteen minutes in, we would give up on the movie, and instead opt for a steamy makeout session which in turn would lead to us giving up on the loveseat, and tripping over each other to get get to his room, and well you can figure out the rest.
Now, a little over a week later, a night with him consists of this: We sit together on the sofa not really touching and start a movie. After the movie. He starts another movie, and I start to stare out the window. Around two in the morning we go to bed. He pats me on the back, kisses my forehead, rolls over, and goes to sleep. That's it.
I know for a fact that it's not the sex; he told me a little over a week ago that I'm a bombshell in bed. (Which I am, just saying.)
He was sick for a while, so I stayed away for about a week to let him recover.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that if a guy invites a girl over, he should make an effort to acknowledge her existence.
He did say he still wasn't feeling too hot which is why I didn't say anything to him. I just want him to want to come to me. I know I can make him feel better.
He has all this legal stuff coming up (he has to do some time), so I know he's under a lot of stress. But what I don't understand is why he won't let me help him relax, and take his mind off things. I don't mean he needs to make wild love or something (though I wouldn't be opposed that), but I just want him to know that I'm here. I love him, and even though he's going into the system for a time, I'll still be here when he gets out.
I just wish he wasn't so distant. I want us to work so badly.
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes.

On Edge

Have you ever had something so wonderful happen to you that your almost positive it won't last? Something so amazing that you spend every minute dreading the moment when it will disappear and break your heart. This is my predicament. I found him. And he's so sweet, and thoughtful, and so damn cute, and honestly, I'm on edge waiting for the moment when he tells me he can't be with me. That someone like me couldn't possibly think that he and I would last. I'm on edge waiting for the moment when I break his heart, or he breaks mine, because that's all I'm used to. Every minute I spend with him is amazing, but filled with dread for the inevitable. It's just that he's so sweet and loving. And if you know me, I am... well, not. Not that I don't love him, because I do, I just feel like my love isn't strong enough. I feel like I don't know how to love him, the way he deserves. Like if he knew me, my past, he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. Deep down, I know that's not true; chances are, I'll be the one to break his heart. And I hate feeling like that. I want to love him for as long as he'll let me, but I don't know if I'm capable of that degree of love.
I'm emotionally unstable when it comes to relationships. I'm not insane, but I have a tendency to some fairly intense mood swings that no one should have to deal with. And thoughtfulness has never been one of my strong points. Seeing the little things to do to make someone smile does not come easily to me.  It's not that I don't think about him, I do all the time,but I don't know how to just be that person that unconsciously does things because I know it will make him smile. He's so good at that.  He says the sweetest things, and I have no idea what to reply back in return. I feel like I'm not giving him the love I want to give him because I don't know how.
I don't want us to end, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we don't, but I'm on edge wondering if it's enough.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes.

Mother's Day

I am a self proclaimed orphan, so I have no mother to celebrate, so here's to all the mothers who sacrifice so much for children, their own or otherwise. Here's to those mothers who starve so their children can eat. Those moms who work two jobs so their children can get an education. And even those stay at home moms, the ones who spend so much time with their kids, giving them love, and watching them grow.
To all of you amazing and selfless women, I just want to say thank you, because without motherly love, this world would be extreme chaos.  I hope you have an amazing mother's day, and that your children give you the love you deserve.
Happy Mother's Day!


C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Diamonds Are Not My Best Friend

Everyone has heard the saying "Diamonds are a girls best friend".
Diamonds are great and all, but come on, there are so many things I can think of that I'd rather get from a man than some diamond earrings which might get lost or stolen or whatever. I mean yes, I love diamonds (Who doesn't?) and if a guy bought me a diamond necklace, then yes I would love it dearly. But honestly, if you show up at my door with a box of stuffed crust cheese pizza, I will seriously love you forever. I don't need to be bought; its actually a huge turnoff for me when a man tries to buy my affection with money or things. To be honest, I'm not really a materialistic girl. I don't want him to take me out to a fancy restaurant, nor do I want to have to order things I can barely pronounce, let alone swallow. I'd much rather we just cuddled together on the couch at his place or mine, eating pizza and watching a movie. That way I don't have to spend half my paycheck on a dress for the occasion, and it's much easier to hook up if we're already on a couch. I don't want to spend the weekend at a luxury hotel in a room that countless people have been in, doing who knows what. I don't want to have to worry if the people in the room next to us think we're too loud. Instead, I'd rather just crash at his place or mine, I'll serve him breakfast in bed (because seriously, even if the bacon is too crispy, it's way sweeter than paying for room service), and when we hook up, I can be as loud as I want to because I know his neighbors, and I know mine, and they don't give two tacos about what's going on in the house next to theirs.  I don't want him to buy me expensive orchids, or cali-lilies; if he simply must buy me flowers, it should be the three dollar bouquet of roses from the shelf at Walmart, and instead of a generic card, scribble a few heartfelt words on a sheet of notebook paper. The cut flowers are going to die anyway.
I like things that are heartfelt and sincere. I'd rather he spend an hour trying to figure out the instructions on a box Kraft macaroni and cheese, instead of paying big bucks for me to attempt to eat Rhône-Alpes and Escargots.  Sleeping in a hotel makes me feel like there's something at his place he's trying to hide, and I always get creeped out thinking about how many people have slept in that bed before me. I would much rather have a handful of daisies he secretly picked at the local park even though he knew he wasn't supposed to, than a generic flower bouquet that the woman working at the flower shop assured him I would love. I'd rather walk hand in hand at a local park eating ice cream cones that cost a dollar, than sit on the balcony of some prestigious venue being served creme brulé.  I don't want him to buy costly tickets for us to see an opera, sung in some language neither of us understands, during which we'll both sit bored out of our minds waiting until we can rip off our uncomfortable formal clothes and begin the actual date. I'd much rather cuddle in bed watching a movie we both love, with no clothes to worry about in the first place.
It's not that I don't appreciate the thought behind whatever ridiculously pricey thing he does. I mean if he takes me to a five star hotel for the weekend, maybe he thinks his place isn't good enough for me. Maybe he wants to pamper me in a way he thinks I would want to be. Maybe he thinks that I would rather eat some fancy french food than the slightly burnt spaghetti at his house. If a guy does do some horribly expensive generic gesture for me,  I do appreciate it. But I always let him know that it's not necessary.
I don't want diamonds. I just want him.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Don't Fall In Love With Me

I haven't written in a while, and here's why... I've been so busy trying to juggle classes, relationships, and my music that I just haven't found the time.
You know, it's just so hard to find someone who actually respects someone for who they are. Not for what they look like, or how much money they have, or how many friends they have. After bouncing back and forth from lovestruck guy to lovestruck guy, I realized even more do that love, real love, is hard to find. Not that I'm looking for love right now, because I have plenty of time to do that in the future. Right now, I just want to have fun. The problem is, I don't like younger guys, so most of the ones I am (or in some cases was) into want someone to settle down with. They're talking future plans and baby names, and I'm just like "So, there's a party tomorrow,". It's not that I'm against them wanting to settle down, I'm just against the fact they want to settle down with me. I'm not the type to get very attached to people. In fact, I tell most people to Not fall in love with me, because I'll just break their heart. It's just how I am.
But it amazes me how quickly people fall in love, or think they do that is. I'll see some girl get asked out by the "perfect man" and two days later, she's using the royal "we" and talking about what flavor of frosting she wants on her wedding cake. It's crazy how many people are in love with the idea of love. Love is not all sunshine and rainbows, but it's not all doom and despair either. I was in love once, all I can say right now is that it takes work. And I don't have the time or the energy to fall in love. So yes, I'll still have my fun, and yes I'll probably break many more hearts, but that's who I am, and it's how I'll be for a long time, and I'm perfectly happy being that way right now.
Don't fall in love with me.
C'est La Vie
Viva La Vida
And Fuck the System
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes

Cowards.

It's funny how someone can seem so sincere, and so genuine, and then it turns out that you were just an experiment to see what it would be like to be with someone like you.

That's what happened with Noe. I mean it's not like I was necessarily 'faithful', but as far as I knew, we weren't even officially in a relationship, so that left a lot open for me in the guy department. Not that we split up because of my "fun" but I wasn't really attached, and I was actually trying to think of a way to let him down easily. 

But then, out of nowhere, he texts me, (mind you he can't come to my face), and says "There's something important I have to tell you." And I'm all like "What?" Figuring he was around so we could talk face to face, which is what you do when you have something important to say. Then he proceeds to tell me that he's gonna die in like three years because of this disease, and he's known about it since he was nine. So me being the person I am, start feeling all sympathetic and all like, maybe he's depressed, so I start being all comforting, but then he's like, "Since I'm gonna die, I can't be in a relationship," and "You deserve a lifetime of happiness, not just a few years." 

So I'm sitting there thinking, "Who said anything about us being together for 'years'?" I mean I didn't even know we were official or anything. And also, "Why, if you knew you can't be in a relationship, did you kiss me that night? You started this. I was just dancing."

So finally I just asked "Are you breaking up with me?" to shut him up, because he was blowing up my phone with all these texts about him dying alone and me deserving a relationship with someone better and whatever.  And he says "Yes." 

And I'm sitting there thinking, "Then why the Hell did you need to tell me about your disease if you're breaking up with me? I don't need to know that if I'm never gonna talk to you again." Which I'm not. Even though he was all, "I'll always be your friend." 

I'm just like "Not bloody likely."

 I don't want to be friends with someone who was too cowardly to just come to me face to face, or at least call me to end whatever it was we had, and instead tried to get me to break up with him by telling me he was gonna die, so he wouldn't have to. 

And so he starts blowing up my phone about how I'm probably hurt, (which I wasn't, I was setting up a date with another guy as we spoke) and how he'll always be here for me. And I was like. "Dude. Stop. Texting. Me. As you stated, we are over. So just LET IT GO. And good bye." 

And so I have an upcoming date with a guitar player who I've had a crush on since I laid eyes on him, and as far as I'm concerned, Noe can die alone by himself.  Because obviously that's what he wants. 

C'est La Vie. 

Viva La Vida. 

And Fuck the System. 

Peace. 

Signed, hot_tunes

What Now?

So Noe is definitely not going anywhere. But now I'm in this love triangle awkwardly, and it sucks. I mean there's Noe, and he's sweet, but he's all attached, and as I stated before, I do not do love. But then there's Jo, who is this amazing guitarist who I've had a crush on since the moment I saw him. aHe took me out for a 'birthday drink' and then we hooked up. So no idea what's going on there. And then there's Justin. Who I met awkwardly, and well we have a thing on the side. So I am DYING here! Ugh!! I really like Noe and I don't want to break his heart, but it is way too soon to be talking about love and whatnot. I mean he wants to know backstory and I am taking my story to my grave. Which he doesn't understand, but he totally does not have any kind of past like I have.  But it's whatever. Right?

I mean I do want a relationship. But I'm not ready to just open up and trust him. I feel bad holding him off like this, but I don't know what else to do. It's just the way I am. 

C'est La Vie. 

Viva La Vida. 

And Fuck the System. 

Peace. 

Signed hot_tunes. 

Unsure

So here I go again. With another seemingly perfect guy. This time, I think I might be right. Noe is funny, he makes me laugh, and he's respectful. He calls me "beautiful", not "hot", and he opens the door for me. He seems so sincere, and once again, I feel horrible telling him the backstory about myself that I tell everyone. But I can't risk digging up my past for any reason. He took me out for coffee today, (well he had coffee, I , of course ordered nothing). He plays the guitar, and he likes my music. And when we were making out in my room, I decided things we're long a little too far to soon, and started freaking out, and he stopped, and asked me if if been hurt before, and when I said yes, he promised never to hurt me or push me into anything. I so want to believe him. I so want to trust him, but I don't want to risk my heart breaking again. Also after I freaked out, he rolled me over sweetly, and gave me an amazing massage. He stopped what he was doing, to make me smile and laugh. 

I guess I'll give it a try. Put my heart on the line, and hope I don't regret it. 

C'est La Vie. 

Viva La Vida. 

And Fuck the System. 

Peace. 

Signed, hot_tunes

Why So Sweet?

I'm in emotional overload. J is apparently not disappearing any time soon. And he is honestly one of the sweetest guys I have ever known. He even understood me when I didn't want to have sex last night. I just said that I didn't want to, and that I didn't want to talk about it, and he left it at that. He just said that we probably shouldn't kiss anymore because it really turned him on. He didn't try to push me. Which is the exact opposite of what Roger did. 

The first time me and Roger hung out, he tried to make me suck his dick, and have sex with him. 

I knew J for maybe four hours, and then we were making out in his friends garage, and not to soon after that, we made love in the guest bedroom, and spent the night cuddling together. And then when he took me back to the dorm in the morning, he kissed me, and after I was gone, told his friends that I was the best he ever had. 

So sweet right? Here's the reason. He didn't try to force me into anything, and the minute I hesitated, he stopped what he was doing to make sure I was ok.

But I don't know. 

I don't want to jump crazily into anything. I mean we've only known each other for like two days, but he seems so sweet. Really protective, and thoughtful. He talks about all the things he wants to do with his future wife. He wants to go sailing in the sunset, and he wants to walk on the beach. He talks so openly about everything, and I really feel terrible about telling him the story I tell everyone about myself. I don't know, and I don't want to get my heart broken. But he seems so genuine. So real. 

But besides the usual doubts I have going into any relationship, I also don't want to be tied down to a place like this. There aren't any opportunities here for me to use my talents, and I don't want to miss out on reaching my ultimate goals of performance by being tied I a relationship I started freshman year of college. I mean I don't want to turn down this chance of having a relationship that actually means something, but I don't want to make any mistakes. I try to be careful, but he is just so sexy. When he kisses me, I go all numb, and I can't think straight. Also guess what?

He likes to cuddle!! Which as I said in a former post is really rare. And he texted my friend Syd to make sure I was ok.

Also last night, he would randomly kiss me. Like when he was cleaning out the floor of the car around my feet, he said, "Hello beautiful," and gave me a kiss. And then later, when I was sitting in the car having a girl chat with Syd, he spontaneously opened up the door, and gave me a kiss. He seems so sweet, and I think I'm gonna give him a chance. Maybe it will work. 

C'est La Vie. 

Viva La Vida. 

And Fuck the System. 

Peace. 

Signed, hot_tunes.