Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Post-Its I May Or May Not Have Written During My Lifetime

Who took my toaster out of the refrigerator?

To the family member who placed a live rabbit in the freezer, you are a sick, sick little person. I am resuscitating it in the bathroom sink, and if it dies, I hope all of your hair falls out

Limes for sleepover margaritas


Remember to call grandma and remind her to get her dildos off the dining room table before dinner tonight.

Don't forget to look up that cute guys' Facebook page.

Topless protest tomorrow.

To the person who ate all of my marijuana cupcakes, I curse your high. May you see rainbows and flying unicorns, and have a sever allergic reaction. 

Baby, I will be gone today, because I saw the cutest kitten in an alleyway downtown, and I have taken the day off to try and rescue it. Also there's a huge spider in the bathroom. Would you kindly dispose of it? Kisses!!!

Don't park so close. I hardly know you.

Have a wonderful day! :)

Why is there a traffic cone with a dildo stuck in the top of it in the middle of the living room?

Tell nana to wash the sheets

Shopping list:

Dear family,
Ignore the man with the boa constrictor in the living room. He is there because I want him to be. Also I want his accordion, so I'm going to try to sweet talk him into giving it to me.

This live trout needs to stay in the bathtub until I can find a pond to put him in. 
I rescued him from a fisherman, and he has had a very traumatic day. So be nice to him.

The trout has been transferred to a life-raft filled with water in the backyard. I have named him Mister Bojangles, and I love him.

This is not Friday. This is MY day.

Please leave a tail hanging on the toilet-paper after use.

To the woman screaming and moaning in room 34c, if you are being tortured, call the police. I do not need to hear when you are "coming".

I do not know your name, but you have been seen stealing my butter. Put it back, or I will lick everything on your desk.

As you have failed to return my butter, I hope you enjoy this carton of worms, and the jug of Voodoo that I have placed in your cubicle.

The Voodoo is real.

Baby, you left a wet towel on the floor since it appears you do not care about it, I gave it to Mister Bojangles to play with.

Baby, I wish you would stop leaving little witty replies on the ends of my Post-Its because as you know, they're all I have.


To the person who decided to make a cocktail out of my candy dish, you are dead inside.

Baby, since I have run out of Post-Its, I am writing this on the at in order to tell you that I am going to Office Max to get more.
Also the cat and Mister Bojangles need fed.
Do Not Feed Them To Each Other.

Baby, I am ill, and will remain so until you bring me something deep fried and smothered in Nutella. You will find me in the backyard mourning the passing of Mister Bojangles the trout. He and I were very close.

I have placed another trout in the bathtub. I will name him Humperdink. Humperdink is a rainbow trout. Therefore he is lucky.

Shopping list:
Blue pens
JB Weld

Remind grandma to get her dildos out of the front lawn.

Baby, these red velvet cookies are especially for you. Enjoy! I love you!

Why don't we have a rabbit?

I am putting this Post-It on the mirror to let y'all know that the cinnamon toothpaste is Mine.

Honey, I just want you to remember that no matter how alone you feel, you are never alone. (There are literally millions of bacteria all over you). Have a wonderful day! :)

I hit your car as I was leaving the parking lot. I'm sorry but you should know that it was an evil Decepticon. I have disposed of him for you. You're welcome.

To whoever left explosive burrito ooze all over the microwave, fuck you.
From all of us.

Do not attempt to reason with me when I'm high. I will probably tackle you and kiss you to get you to shut up.

This bubble gum was so good, I just couldn't let you miss out on the flavor explosion. I only had one piece, so I stuck what was left of it to this Post-It so you may too enjoy it.

Kick me.

Free hugs.

Hello, my name is: None Of Your Damn Business.

I have placed a live squirrel in this box for safekeeping. I am going to play with it later. Do not touch it. It is Mine.

I cleaned the entire apartment today. I deserve a margarita, don't you think?

Who took my hairdryer out of the microwave?

I have planted a lime tree in the flowerbed because I head that leprechauns like them. If any of you sees a leprechaun, inform me immediately.

I want Nutella.

This Post-It is here because some one left a partially eaten celery stalk in MY Nutella. You should know that the Nutella lovers of the world hate you.

Baby, I have had an extremely trying day, and so you will find me in the living room playing MarioKart. Beer is in the fridge. I challenge you to the race of a lifetime.

Shopping list:
Fairy Wings
Kool Aid

Please wash the car. Kisses!