....And Then Things Fall Apart

I know I might sound like a generic jealous girlfriend, but I don't think I can trust my boyfriend anymore. I read some of his text messages (don't judge, his phone was right there, and he doesn't have a phone lock), I mean there were some typical guy-ish text messages: "I'm surrounded by sexy girls right now" and messages of the sort that guys always send to their other guy friends, so those didn't bother me really. What did bother me though were the text messages he sent to this girl, lets's call her Sally. I mean he was talking to her like they were in a full blown relationship, calling her babydoll (which is my nickname) and telling her how much seeing her made him happy, and how she spoke like poetry (WTF?). Her responses didn't bother me, and if I met her, I wouldn't have any issues with her. Her texts back to him stated that she was already in a relationship, and if he was dating me (he told her about me), why was he saying things like that to her?

And then the other night, which was supposedly our last night together before he did his time, he told me he was going to 7-Eleven, and that he was going to be gone for 20 minutes. Well the 20 minutes turned into 4 hours, and when he showed up, he was like ill. Like I mean projectile vomiting ill, though he was just fine when he left. I know some of you are probably thinking, well, sometimes you can get sick just like that. But he had just gotten over being sick. I'm not saying that it couldn't have just been bad luck for him, but I seriously doubt it.

Personally, I think he's doing drugs again. And that breaks my heart. But even if he's not, everything else, the lying, the texts, the distance is just getting to be to much. I want to trust him, and I'm trying not to judge him based on my ideas, but it's hard.
I mean from the fact that he never touches me anymore, to his secrecy is really making me wonder whether or not it's worth it to even attempt to continue this relationship. Right now, I'm thinking not.
But we'll see how things go.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫
 

On Edge

Have you ever had something so wonderful happen to you that your almost positive it won't last? Something so amazing that you spend every minute dreading the moment when it will disappear and break your heart. This is my predicament. I found him. And he's so sweet, and thoughtful, and so damn cute, and honestly, I'm on edge waiting for the moment when he tells me he can't be with me. That someone like me couldn't possibly think that he and I would last. I'm on edge waiting for the moment when I break his heart, or he breaks mine, because that's all I'm used to. Every minute I spend with him is amazing, but filled with dread for the inevitable. It's just that he's so sweet and loving. And if you know me, I am... well, not. Not that I don't love him, because I do, I just feel like my love isn't strong enough. I feel like I don't know how to love him, the way he deserves. Like if he knew me, my past, he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. Deep down, I know that's not true; chances are, I'll be the one to break his heart. And I hate feeling like that. I want to love him for as long as he'll let me, but I don't know if I'm capable of that degree of love.
I'm emotionally unstable when it comes to relationships. I'm not insane, but I have a tendency to some fairly intense mood swings that no one should have to deal with. And thoughtfulness has never been one of my strong points. Seeing the little things to do to make someone smile does not come easily to me.  It's not that I don't think about him, I do all the time,but I don't know how to just be that person that unconsciously does things because I know it will make him smile. He's so good at that.  He says the sweetest things, and I have no idea what to reply back in return. I feel like I'm not giving him the love I want to give him because I don't know how.
I don't want us to end, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we don't, but I'm on edge wondering if it's enough.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes.