Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Trying To Move On

So an update on what's been going on with me...
I am now officially single. Things were going downhill, and so he ended it. Even though I was considering ending things anyway, I still miss him. Like hella bad. It's crazy. Everywhere I go, I see things that remind me of him. And I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. I guess, I just fell harder than I had expected. I'll get over it of course. I'll move on, and find someone new. 'I just wish saying goodbye wasn't so damn difficult. I wish I could stop thinking about all the good times we had together, and realize that it was never going to work out anyway. I'm just being a little immature right now, but I'll get over it.
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed hot_tunes♪♫

Saturday, August 23, 2014

....And Then Things Fall Apart

I know I might sound like a generic jealous girlfriend, but I don't think I can trust my boyfriend anymore. I read some of his text messages (don't judge, his phone was right there, and he doesn't have a phone lock), I mean there were some typical guy-ish text messages: "I'm surrounded by sexy girls right now" and messages of the sort that guys always send to their other guy friends, so those didn't bother me really. What did bother me though were the text messages he sent to this girl, lets's call her Sally. I mean he was talking to her like they were in a full blown relationship, calling her babydoll (which is my nickname) and telling her how much seeing her made him happy, and how she spoke like poetry (WTF?). Her responses didn't bother me, and if I met her, I wouldn't have any issues with her. Her texts back to him stated that she was already in a relationship, and if he was dating me (he told her about me), why was he saying things like that to her?
And then the other night, which was supposedly our last night together before he did his time, he told me he was going to 7-Eleven, and that he was going to be gone for 20 minutes. Well the 20 minutes turned into 4 hours, and when he showed up, he was like ill. Like I mean projectile vomiting ill, though he was just fine when he left. I know some of you are probably thinking, well, sometimes you can get sick just like that. But he had just gotten over being sick. I'm not saying that it couldn't have just been bad luck for him, but I seriously doubt it.
Personally, I think he's doing drugs again. And that breaks my heart. But even if he's not, everything else, the lying, the texts, the distance is just getting to be to much. I want to trust him, and I'm trying not to judge him based on my ideas, but it's hard.
I mean from the fact that he never touches me anymore, to his secrecy is really making me wonder whether or not it's worth it to even attempt to continue this relationship. Right now, I'm thinking not.
But we'll see how things go.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫
 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Womanizing Not Allowed


One thing I forgot about being on the streets, is how people view me. People meaning men in particular. It amazes me how on a 98 degree summer day, if I walk down the street wearing shorts, or a sundress, so many  men feel as if they have the right to hit on me. To smack my butt. To assume I am a prostitute, and try to pick me up I don't understand our culture. How is it, that if a woman gets raped, most people assume that it was her fault? "She was asking for it" they say, as if that makes everything ok.
I'm sorry, since when is it wrong to wear shorts? It's hot outside. Just because I happen to look nice, does not give you the right to objectify me. Just because I'm black does not mean I'm gonna drop it and twerk for you. I'm not going to get into your car because you're sticking a fifty out the window at me.  I refuse to become some sex object just because media tells you it's ok to treat me as one. You know, I feel sorry for people who choose to view others as an object. I pity you, because it shows that you were treated the same way, and it's all you know.
I'm sorry, but just because I'm young and in shape does not mean I owe you a strip tease. Just because I dress nice does not mean that I dressed for your eyes. Yes, sometimes I wear clothes that make me sexier than the average person. I wear heels. I wear leather. I wear lipstick. I have wild hair. That's who I am. And when I am dressed in an outfit that appears sexy, I am still careful to carry myself with poise and grace. I am not a woman. I am a lady. I treat others the way I want to be treated. I don't believe in judging someone just by the way he or she looks; and when I am dressed modestly, I believe I deserve the same respect I give to everyone. Sure, I'm on the street, but I don't believe in acting "ratchet" just because that's what people assume I am. I am not a "big booty ho" I am not a hooker. I do not work the streets, and I would thank you kindly to realize that.
Predatory behavior is not only vulgar and disgusting. But it is illegal. You might think that whistling at a thirteen year old girl is giving her a compliment, but by law, it is considered as sexual harassment. Pulling up next to a girl on a street curb and telling her to "hop in" is abusive behavior, and is punishable by a large fine, and time in prison. Some people may take this lightly, but I believe everyone deserves respect.
You know that saying "You have to give respect to get it"?
Screw that.
Just give it, and the getting will take care of itself.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫i

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Getting Things Done

I've been dreading the moment when I'll have to say goodbye to all the wonderful and amazing friends I have made this year. Every time I start to think about it, I get teary eyed, which is weird because I almost never cry. We've had some CRAZY experiences together, and to think that I'll have to say goodbye to them possibly forever is just painful. I think this is one of the most difficult, memorable, and crazy years I've ever had, and saying goodbye to it is tough. But on the other hand, I am looking forward to this summer, and the new opportunities I will be able to experience.
On a lighter note, I have completed a few more tasks on the Summer Bucket List.

  • Eat a lemon without sugar
  • Play a card game
  • Make something out of duct tape
  • Hook up with someone 
  • Make out with said hookup in a public venue
Basically, I'm just doing the really generic easy things first. I suppose it would have been more difficult if I had to complete the list in order, since the first item is Learn how to do a triple backflip.

Here's a really bad picture of me attempting to eat the lemon, taken by my friend Laurel in my dorm room. I'm just gonna say, that even though I am a hardcore lemonade addict, I do NOT like lemons plain. It's like eating pure acid. Ugggghhhh.
Some of my friends and I got together, and played Phase 10 on the beach yesterday, so that counts as a card game. Even though I lost pretty miserably, it was great getting to spend some time in the sun, and relax by the water. Unfortunately I don't have photo evidence, but it's just a card game, so I don't think it's that hard to believe
Also last night, I made a duct tape flower which I am pretty proud of. I used duct tape and a bobby pin, and besides the lemon, it was definitely the most difficult task I had to achieve so far on the list.
I am also happy, because even though the whole sleepover/hookup thing didn't work out, I did end up getting laid for the last time this semester, by one of my old hookups. Which totally counts as my hookup, and I made out with him on a college campus, which is a public venue. I do not have photo evidence of that either, because I think it would be highly inappropriate, but it was a pretty fun experience. So after I say my goodbyes, I can start my epic summer with no regrets. :)


C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Summertime Sadness

As I near the end of a school year, I realize how temporary everything is. Things that even a few weeks ago seemed set in stone, now wobbling on thin ice, about to fall and crumble at any moment. The friends that I made over the few months I was here, so close to me now might never see me again, or if they do, may become distant, and cold during the months of summer. As I look back over the academic aspect of the year, I realize that I didn't really learn anything. I just became good at passing. Doing what was required to receive an 'A'. Everything I thought I learned at the time, was just enough to complete an assignment or project, then completely forgotten.
Relationships will dissipate, and the people I once was infatuated with romantically will go their separate ways, leaving only a memory of their touch and the times we had together. Sure, I'll stay in touch with some of them, but conversation without contact soon dies off in the end.
Now, I know this all sounds depressing, and you're all probably thinking "What the hell? It's summer! What's wrong with her? No college kid sound be depressed at the start of summer." I'm not depressed, I mean summer? HELL YEAH!! But still when you think about it, it's not like high school where you know you'll be sitting in the same classrooms as your friends the next year, or where you'll most likely see your friends throughout the summer. There is no knowing where you or your friends will be in the next year. Sure, they might stay, and sure you might be sitting together listening to a professor lecture the next semester, but the chances are most likely that they'll move on. They'll go to the next step of their lives, whether it be a transfer to another campus, or a soul-searching trip across Europe. I realized that friendship is even more important, and special now that you never truly know how much time you have together.
Am I excited about summer? Yes! I'm excited for the break from academics, and the time to spend with my family. Not to mention the steamy nights of fleeting summer romance, and sweltering afternoons by the poolside drinking lemonade and
 making conversation with the lifeguards. But now as an adult, summer means more than playing in a sprinkler, or sleeping late. Summer is full of responsibilities, same as any other time of the year. For a college kid, summer calls for the search for a temporary occupation, whether it be saving lives from a white bench at the side of a pool, serving ice cream to the children who have no idea how quickly their carefree summers will end, or sitting at a desk facing a screen, glancing out the window at the sunshine outside longing for just an afternoon of freedom and fun.
But even for the work burdened college student, trying to earn enough money to survive the next semester, there is still fun in those summer nights. Crazy backyard parties, crammed with bathing suit clad individuals dancing to the latest "summer anthem". Lazy nights on the porch drinking cheap beer, and devouring pizza, trading stories of the past year. Late night swims with your current significant other, under the warm starlight. Evenings spent with loved ones gathered in the living room around the TV, crunching on microwave popcorn, watching a movie you've all seen countless times, laughing at your favorite parts, dreading the day when you'll have to leave once more to start the next semester. And on those few afternoons you can escape the dreary burden of work, the more studious of us will head to the local library, or sit at a desk inside, to get a head start on the next semester. The more adventurous of us will travel to some part of town less frequented by the hoards of summering people. While still others will head to the mall with family or friends to perfect that summer style that will most definitely turn heads, or the cinema to see the latest movie that every family simply must  see.
I will most likely be spending my summer in the house on 36th street, soaking up the time spent with my family, searching for a job which if found, I will throw myself in whole heartedly, hoping those hours will earn me the funds to tough it out yet another year. Yes, while those nights spent dancing in a backyard, or those afternoons spent lounging on a poolside sound wonderful, and fun, they will most likely be spent inside some building, catering to the every whim of a customer, or crashing exhausted after a hard day's work. My weekends will be spent with my family, showing them in every way I possibly can how much I love them, and how much I appreciate everything they do for me. And as for those steamy summer nights of romance, those will most likely be just a daydream as I press my way through another work day, waiting for my shift to end.
I am excited for summer. I really am. But as excited as I am for the break from academics, I must be realistic and know that while it is a break from one type of work, it will be replaced with another. And such is the life of an adult. There never is a real break from any type of labor. There will always be something to replace the work that is completes. There will never be enough time to spend with family and friends. The next year will be a mystery, and it is one I am excited to unravel, but still, I can't help but experience a hint of summertime sadness.
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫