Not Quite Ready..

So today I was reminded why I am not ready to be a parent. I had the chance to spend some time watching my baby nephew, and while I love children, they sure do take a lot of work. It amazes me how the sound of a baby crying triggers a kind of motherly panic. The feeling like you have to make everything better. Of course that is why babies cry. The sound makes us want to take care of them, and fix any problem. I love children, and at some point do want to have kids, but today I realized that I simply do not have the patience and self control required to be a good mother. I suppose I never will completely have either until I have children of my own. I truly have so much respect for the moms out there who raise their children with love and longsuffering, because, let me tell you, that is no easy feat. I guess this is my chance to practice, so to speak. I now realize how much strength it takes to commit to raising a child, and to all of you moms out there who love their children, and raise them with care and patience, I have the utmost respect for you. I really do.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck The System.
Peace.
Signed, Esther Dolezal

My Escape

Today I was reminded of how much I love music. I had a chance, finally, to get away by myself  and get lost in my playlists. After an hour with my precious headphones (and I'm not gonna lie, a little bit of weed), I felt my stress begin to melt away. I have a OT of things to be stressed about. We all do. In this crazy chaotic world we live in, we would have to live in a bubble to completely avoid stress. And since we all live in this world, we each have our means of escape. Some people exercise, or sleep, or meditate. My escape is music.

Playing music. Listening to music. Dancing to music. Anything that has to do with music; singing it,composing it, editing it, performing it. I love music.  Lately I've been so busy I haven't had the time to sit down and play music, or space to listen in peace. I didn't realize, in all the craziness, that I was so stressed, my entire body was stiff with tension. That one hour of peace and music was literally medicine. I felt a hundred times better.

Sitting there watching the smoke swirl up toward the ceiling, I was finally able to calm down enough to focus on the music, and breathe. I listened to quite a few songs, but the one that stood out  from my playlist for me today was Light Me Up by Icona Pop. I had never considered myself to be a fan of Icona Pop, but I downloaded some of their songs at some point, and that song stood out to. It is probably going to be my anthem for a while. The lyrics say, I don't care what they say, even if I go down in flames, Light me up. Pretty much I think it spoke to me because I decided about three years to never let someone turn me into someone I'm not ever again. To never let myself be pressured into becoming something I don't want to be, and to always be myself no matter what happens or how difficult things get. I believe all people should be able to be who they are and be happy, to not have to conform and live miserably. I will never let someone tell me who I should be again.
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, Esther Dolezal ♪♫

My Life According to a Bitchy Cat

So, I recieved a little bit of a shock, because it turns out my six month old cat is in heat. It caught me by surprise, because I hadn't realized that cats mature at six months. The thing is, now my loving cat has turned into a bitchy hormone crazed creature who sits at the window and meows  all night long trying to attract the males in the neighborhood. It reminded me of what it was like for me to go through the change of becoming an adult. Thinking back, I have changed so much over the years. We all do, of course, but looking back it's almost shocking to see how much I've changed. From an insecure gangly kid who always walked with her head down, to the beautiful strong woman I am today. Thinking back, I remembered some situations that, when I was going through them, seemed like the worst thing that could possibly happen, but now I can see were what made me as strong as I am today.
I had a rough childhood. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I've been through some shit. Growing up in a world where I was ugly, where I was different, where I was a stereotype. My mother never showed me true affection, and I was always pushed to the side. I was exploited and used for financial gain, I was beaten, and worked like a horse, I was locked away for years. But through all of it, I survived, and became more powerful than anyone thought I could be. And thinking back, I wouldn't change a thing. My life has been a struggle so far, and it will continue to be a struggle until the day I die. I have no regrets, and I have learned from all of my pain.  I am SUPERWOMAN.
I guess you're wondering how I got all of this from a bitchy cat. Honestly I have no idea lol. I guess because of the abstract way my mind works.
Also marijuana.
C'est La Vie
Viva La Vida
And Fuck the System
Peace
Signed, Esther Dolezal ♪♫