Friday, January 31, 2014

Soul Music

So I had my first experience with high level improvisation last week and I just have to say, I loved it!! It's what I've been looking for for a while. A group of musicians, a song we faintly know, and some basic chord patterns.  No structure. No rules. No bitchy professors telling me what and what not to play. It was perfect. And I could feel the connection between us in the room as we joined in together mixing individual genres together into a style that to be honest had no name. 
It was Real Music. Felt music. And it made my day so much better. I can't wait until we meet again next week. I really hope we can get more meeting times figured out, because even though we've only played together once, we sounded AMAZING! 
So music theory can suck it. Because theory and rules can never compare to the thrill of playing from the soul. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot _tunes. 

Theory and Me.

Well I won't say I've been getting used to any sort of schedule lately seeing as how I haven't gone to class in like a week and a half. My sleep pattern is way off. I haven't gone to bed before one in weeks.  But ever since I stopped seeing J. everything is just crazy.
The one class I have been attending is improvisation. And of all the classes I'm taking, I think it is the one that's gonna help my career the most. Not music theory. Because no matter how much they try, I will never think of music as something that can be controlled by some rules that someone wrote down in a book. I get that to be a successful musician, I need to know theory, but that doesn't make it any less painful. When someone plays a song, and then I see someone else sit down, and analyze the song into algebraic sequences, and equations, and cadences, it just breaks my heart. It takes all the feeling out of music. That is the main reason I never write down any of my compositions. Because I don't want my music reduced to math and rules. I want people to be moved my music. I want them to see it for what it is. Music, nothing more or less. 
Someday I will make that happen. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Riding Solo

So I have decided that J is no longer a part of my life. First of all, he has WAY too much baggage, second of all he is involved in too much drama (which no 23 year old man should be), and he would ultimately tie me down to this place (which is a Big no no). So I'm single. Which is awesome because now I can focus on school 100%. 
I mean it's not like I even like being in a relationship except for the snuggle perks. I don't like sharing my bed, I don't confide in people, and I absolutely hate having to check in with someone every time I do something. So I'll just be single until the right man comes along. 
I would like a no expectations relationship, but apparently that's unheard of in this society. But it's whatever right?
*Sigh*
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Getting My Priorities Straight

I think I've calmed down now. But I think I'm gonna need to take a while off from sex. I don't know what's going on necessarily, but I know in just need a break. I need to focus on school, and finding a job. I'm not entirely sure how this semester is gonna end, but I'm pretty sure it needs to end differently than it started off. I want to live a little, and have some fun, but I need to have enough energy for school, and my music. 
J and his friends came over the other night, to hang out with Syd and I, but Syd ended up having to babysit, so I avoided J completely, and went to the music hall instead. Now don't get me wrong. I like J. A lot. But I'm really not sure about being in a relationship with him. He has a LOT of baggage, and I'm not sure I want to deal with that. I just think I need space. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida.
An Fuck the System.
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes

Friday, January 17, 2014

I Need Out.

Well I feel like shit. I mean I don't know what I expected. It's not like any of the guys I've been with actually care about me. I mean Roger and his friend, I know it doesn't mean anything to them. And J, I don't know what's up with that, but I doubt he really does either. 
I don't know, I just thought that after all this that it would mean something. 
Maybe it will never be like that for me. Which is why I think I need to get out of here. Completely away from the Pacific Northwest. I don't know where I want to go, or where, or how I'm gonna get there, but I know I'm not gonna be here much longer. 
I just want to follow my heart and just make my own happiness because I won't find anything else here but heartache. 
Even my inspiration for songwriting is gone. Completely. I sit down at the piano, or pick up my guitar, and I get nothing. It's just the same chords, the same notes, the same songs that I've been playing over and over for years and I need to get out of that rut and make something for myself. I'm tired of living this way and I need new inspiration. A new perspective. 
I've been thinking a lot about traveling. I love to travel. Not so much the trips, but the destination. I love seeing new things. What I really want to do is follow the summer around the world. It sounds so carefree. But I guess I need to get a grip on reality, because the only way I will be able to do that is if I win the lottery which is probably never gonna happen. So I guess I'm stuck here. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida.
An Fuck the System.
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes

What A Night!

Totally tired of relationship drama. I've known J for like three days, and he's already like over analyzing everything I do. Which is why I'm hooked up with Roger. Mostly because I really don't want to get too attached to either of them. So I will divide my time. Also Roger has like no expectations which is awesome. Just in and out. Just like that. I mean I like h and all, and he's freaking gorgeous, but, I don't see him anywhere in my future, and I'm completely ok with that. It's college!! Live a little! Right?!
Anyway after I hooked up with Roger, the night took an interesting turn. I went to go play his drunk friend a lullaby on my guitar, and totally ended up hooking up with him. Two in one night!! And might I mention, that it's still that time of month. Yeah. It's like I have the most sex appeal when I'm on my period which is really weird. 
Anyway, I've never done anything like this before, and it was crazy. Insane. 
Anyway, I'm not worried about much. Rogers friend and I are still only friends and I'm totally cool with that. He's totally into my suite mate, and I have no problem with that. It was a thing we both did together, and that's about it. We both agreed that it never happened. Anyway, I'll see how the rest of the weekend works out. But I definitely think I should take it kinda easy. I mean, I do have a career to focus on. And I'm not gonna let a little college fun get in the way of that. Always careful. I don't need to complicate things for myself in any way. I have my goals set, and my eyes on the prize. And I won't let anything get in the way of that. It will be my Dolce Vita. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida.
An Fuck the System.
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Complications.

With all this romance going on, I am finding it extremely hard to focus in my classes. Also I'm a little worried because, it was that time of the month when I made love with J. And I didn't tell him, and somehow he found out. And was a little upset that I didn't tell him. 
Crap. I have a feeling that this relationship is gonna involve me in a lot of drama. Which is the last thing I need. 
So I have decided that I'm gonna just see where things go with this, but  not gonna let anything tie me down. Which means safe sex, and birth control, and most definitely not falling in love. I think that falling in love is the worst thing I could do right now. (Well besides getting pregnant). But I'm not gonna overthink things, and if I never see J again, well that's fine with me. Not that I won't be upset or disappointed, because I will. But my career is more important. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Hesitancy

I don't know if true love exists, but I know  first hand that true lust does. Even though I've only known him like two days, I will say that I am head over heels in lust with J. I find it hard to focus on anything anymore without being reminded of him. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I think we have a connection. 
Anyway, I've been avoiding Roger ever since I hooked up with J. It's not like we usually talk on a regular basis, but I haven't said anything to him since I found out he was back in the US. 
I'm conflicted about entering a relationship, because as a rule, I do not do love. I do like. I do lust. And I do obsession, but I find it really hard to love anyone. Of course everyone wants to blame me for being so hard hearted, but when everything I've ever loved was taken away from me, how do they expect me to just open up? 
I don't know if I'll ever be able to love really. Because whenever someone wants to get close to me, I automatically put up walls, and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop doing that. 
But this is my Dolce Vita. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Why So Sweet?

I'm in emotional overload. J is apparently not disappearing any time soon. And he is honestly one of the sweetest guys I have ever known. He even understood me when I didn't want to have sex last night. I just said that I didn't want to, and that I didn't want to talk about it, and he left it at that. He just said that we probably shouldn't kiss anymore because it really turned him on. He didn't try to push me. Which is the exact opposite of what Roger did. 
The first time me and Roger hung out, he tried to make me suck his dick, and have sex with him. 
I knew J for maybe four hours, and then we were making out in his friends garage, and not to soon after that, we made love in the guest bedroom, and spent the night cuddling together. And then when he took me back to the dorm in the morning, he kissed me, and after I was gone, told his friends that I was the best he ever had. 
So sweet right? Here's the reason. He didn't try to force me into anything, and the minute I hesitated, he stopped what he was doing to make sure I was ok.
But I don't know. 
I don't want to jump crazily into anything. I mean we've only known each other for like two days, but he seems so sweet. Really protective, and thoughtful. He talks about all the things he wants to do with his future wife. He wants to go sailing in the sunset, and he wants to walk on the beach. He talks so openly about everything, and I really feel terrible about telling him the story I tell everyone about myself. I don't know, and I don't want to get my heart broken. But he seems so genuine. So real. 
But besides the usual doubts I have going into any relationship, I also don't want to be tied down to a place like this. There aren't any opportunities here for me to use my talents, and I don't want to miss out on reaching my ultimate goals of performance by being tied I a relationship I started freshman year of college. I mean I don't want to turn down this chance of having a relationship that actually means something, but I don't want to make any mistakes. I try to be careful, but he is just so sexy. When he kisses me, I go all numb, and I can't think straight. Also guess what?
He likes to cuddle!! Which as I said in a former post is really rare. And he texted my friend Syd to make sure I was ok.
Also last night, he would randomly kiss me. Like when he was cleaning out the floor of the car around my feet, he said, "Hello beautiful," and gave me a kiss. And then later, when I was sitting in the car having a girl chat with Syd, he spontaneously opened up the door, and gave me a kiss. He seems so sweet, and I think I'm gonna give him a chance. Maybe it will work. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

When Life Hands You A Bowl Of Sugar

I think that being open minded is the key to finding new opportunities. Toe key to making new friends. For instance, last night, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her and some of her friends. I said sure, and now I have an extremely attractive guy who is completely enamored by me. I love what happens when I open myself to new opportunities. 
He is honestly the sexiest guy I have ever done anything with as of yet, and that includes Roger. I'm gonna have to explain some time. But right now, I don't care. 
I saw Roger this morning, and I still want to be with him, but I really like the other boy, J. too. The thing is, I probably shouldn't read too much into it because I don't know when I'll see him again. I'll see Roger almost every day, and so I think that even though I had a night of fun, I should stick to the constants. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed hot_tunes. 

Monday, January 13, 2014

What Has This World Come To?

I wish people could be more understanding. That they could be more open to new things, and the differences between them and other people. 
I've only been at college for a semester, but people seem determined to find people to hate. They don't seem to realize that they are no longer in high school. This is life. You can't just decide you're popular because you wear expensive clothing. You can't form cliques and expect people to worship the ground you walk on. I know that at universities, there are fraternities, and sororities, and that the members seem like they run the campus. But here at  a community college so small that we don't even have a football team, there are no sororities or fraternities. There are no popular cliques, and forming little groups that shun others just makes people hate them.  
Today, I watched as a group of girls stood just inside the entrance of the dorms, and judged every person as they walked in. Myself included. 
It made me sad. That society has devolved is much that even when they reach adulthood, people still give into middle school-esque peer pressure that makes them feel like they need to put others down to be accepted. 
Also I was shocked at the fact that my generation is so dependent. My new roommate whom I was assigned only  yesterday, got homesick overnight, so her  parents came and got her, and took her home. It was pathetic! She decided that she didn't like college after one day, and her parents let her come home. I don't know how she plans to ever leave home and get on with her life if she can't even make it through 24 hours without her parents. 
It just makes me sad to see that this world has come to. 
C'es La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Theory

Sitting in my music class listening to my professor drone on and on about the "proper" way to quantize a rhythm. That is to say, that instead of counting 6/8 rhythm 1 2 3 4 5 6, he likes to count it 1 2 3 2 2 3. So we're supposed to count it like that from now on. Which is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. So yeah. I mean he's a good guy even though he's hella old. I just hate that he has to be so adamant that music has to be this refined controlled thing. 
I get why theory is necessary to an aspiring musician.  I get that to successfully create something new and entertaining, I need to know everything to know about music and then use my creativity to blend certain styles of music together to create a new genre. But still. I hate it. And I will alwaus hate it. 
On a different note, I still don't have proof as to whether or not Roger is still in Jamaica or if he's down the hall. Everything points to him being here, but I'm not sure so yeah that sucks. I haven't heard anything about him being here, and here's nothing on social media that says he's here. I just need to see him soon. Because if he just left without saying goodbye, I will kill him. Figuratively of course. 
Well I'd better go get ready to study for my interval quiz. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

No More Routine

So here I am. Sitting in my new room with my new roommates, and already wishing I was done here. It's just that I hate routine. I hate the feeling of settling down and getting comfortable with anything. I don't like looking out the window and seeing the same view for more than a few months at a time. 
I mean I like making friends. I'm not a loner by any means. I like making friends, but what I don't like is doing the same things over with my friends. I like spontaneity. I don't like to be in a relationship where we get in a rut and do the same things over and over. Now don't get me wrong. I like my constants. Like the only smoothie I order on campus is strawberry banana. 
But what I'm getting at is people who insist on turning everything into a routine bother me. Especially when it comes to music. 
Whoever sat down and turned songs into mathematical equations needs to die a slow and painful death. 
Just thinking about the fact that I have three and a half more years of school before I get my bachelors degree is so depressing. I would rather die before I have to sit around in stuffy classrooms listening to professors for another seven semesters. But such is life. 
So I'll go to my class tomorrow. Just one. I only have one class on Mondays. Which is awesome because the I can use the time to get focused for the rest of the week or chill with people or write music or whatever I need to do. I hate Mondays so it's awesome that I get to take it easy on them. I still hate schedules. I wish there was a college were you drew out of a hat every day or so to pick the classes you were going to be taking that week. That would e awesome. I also plan to spend a lot of my free time looking for inspiration for my music. Any ideas or feedback, just anything you would think would make a good song or part of a song would be helpful. Let me know. Every word helps. 
So closes another day in the life of a struggling musician. 
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed hot_tunes

So It Begins

So. I am really freaking out right now, because I just got back to campus for second semester, and Roger is nowhere to be found.
I haven't heard from him all break, and now I don't know if he's here or in Jamaica or what. 
I'll be heartbroken if he left. I really thought we had the year, so I don't know what's going on. 
Well my new roommate seems cool if not ├╝ber virgin. I think we'll get along well though. As long as she's not a neat freak like my last roommate, who is currently my suite mate, so unfortunately I'll be seeing a lot of her and her bitch of a best friend. Ugh. Oh well. It'll be a good semester, I think. I'm not gonna let anyone make my semester miserable this time. 
I think I'm gonna go look for Roger. 
C'est La Vie. 
Viva La Vida. 
And Fuck the System. 
Peace. 
Signed, hot_tunes

Saturday, January 11, 2014

When Will It Happen?

It's so awkward being around people who are in love.
I mean really in love. Not just obsessed with eachother.
I mean the kind of love where they can't be in the same room or building for that matter with out it emanating between them like electricity. And everyone else gets shocked by it. The kind of love that you can feel when they talk about the other, even if their partner is no where near. The kind of love where they use the royal 'we' without knowing it, because their souls are so joined together. The kind of love that makes everyone else feel alone, even if they are in a secure relationship.
It's rare in this generation I live in. Teenagers. We've had sex so embedded in our minds that true love seems like a fairy tale. Something we hear about, and allude to, but none of us know how to even open up enough to find.  Something we are in love with the idea of.
I am so tired of feeling this way. I didn't get love from my 'family(ies)' and I sure as hell ain't getting it now. Not from anyone up here at college. I just feel used as a sex object. Horny white boys who are curious to see what it would be like to 'bang the black girl', boy's who wan't to 'tap dat ass' who just want to 'get some'.
I am about ready for a change. They say there's a Mr. Right out there for everyone. Well He better get his ass over her soon. Cause I'm about to go crazy.
I mean I really, Really, REALLY like Roger. But I can't see myself with him in the future. I can't see myself with anyone I know now in the future . So He better show up soon, because I'm not getting any younger here.
But then,
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed hot_tunes

Friday, January 10, 2014

Musings

It's funny how I thought that once I graduated from high school, and got out of the group home that things would suddenly get better for me.
HA!
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I mean, aside from the whole Montana thing, yeah that sucked, I did get through my first semester of college. Barely. I got stupid, and slacked off after midterms. Flunked two classes. At least I got A's in my music classes, and an incomplete on my music theory class which helped somewhat. And thank goodness I still have enough financial aid to get me through this semester.  I have about two hundred dollars left over which of course will go toward books, and maybe if I can afford it, the DVD I owe my brother/nephew (long story).
But here I am having the WORST Christmas break ever. All my friends think I'm in Hawaii, so they don't know that I'm bumming around town approximately half a mile from campus, completely miserable. I'll of course tell them how 'wonderfully amazing' my trip to Hawaii was.  And so It will work out. Well semester starts on Monday, three days from today. Can't wait. Yippee. Here goes nothing.
Let's see. I'm going back to a sort of relationship thing with Roger. Who is completely gorgeous, but I don't think he's the most loyal person out there per se. Anyway, I've been meaning to try to set up another photo shoot, see if I can get some sort of modeling career going. I started over the summer,  did a shoot that I was thrilled with, but it kinda fizzled when school started.
And theres this music thing. I mean I did finish the piece I was asked to compose for the promotional thing for NIC, but I want to do more than that, I know some producers, now just to score an audition...
It's rough but I'll get there.
I will.
But anyway,
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed hot_tunes

My Dilemma

I've always been rather confident in what I wanted in life. The fame, the riches, the adoration. I've always lived my life in order to gain that goal. Every where I have lived, I can't help but become a pretty well known person locally through my music. Even at the group home where I lived, I still became very well known in the communities surrounding the area. Even here in Couer d'Alene Idaho, I've only been here for one semester, and I've already asked to compose promotional music for the college. Now, I'm classically trained, which is my downfall. I struggle very hard with other types of music, when it comes to instrumental music. For example Jazz. Piano is a very important part to the structure of jazz, and I'm taking an improvisation class this coming semester, and I honestly struggle with my creativity in that department. It's not like I'm an inexperienced musician or anything, it's just that the people i have been 'raised' by wanted me to grow up to be the "Church Pianist", you know the stuffy old lady who sits and plays "How Great Thou Art" for the congregation or whatever. And yeah, I have done that a few times, but when I did, I never read the music from the hymnals. I simply was told which Key to play it in, then I kinda made things up as I went along. Which of course made the hymns actually sound good, but I was sure as hell NOT about to do that for the rest of my life.
The thing is, I want this SOOOO bad, but I feel like i'll never be able to do it. I've been stuffed in small towns my whole life, my talent hidden behind the church, and the 'Christian' world.
I wish I could just get my chance.
I know I could astonish the world.
But then,
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Music

So here's the thing about me. I like music. A lot. I'm good at it, when I'm allowed to use my imagination. Otherwise, it's just dead. I mean, there's only so much emotion you can put into Fur Elise right? I have always wanted to get into the music industry. Which is why I'm majoring in Music Performance. But the thing is, I hate music theory. I hate some stuffy old professor sitting over me as I play music, and saying that my technique is wrong, or that certain not sequences are improper. I hate that people think that you can control music, that if you write it down in a book, then all of the sudden its 'proper'.
Who's to say what is proper? What is correct? Music is different for me. When I listen to a song, I don't want to be thinking about which chord structure and cadence they used. I don't care whether their fingering is correct, whether or not they used the proper notation. I want to think about the music, and how it affects me.
I have dreamed about joining the music career as a performer for so long, but I feel like I will never get my chance to perform. Sigh.
But then,
C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Backstory

Well let's just say this new year is NOT starting off positively. At all. Not like it ended well whatsoever. I seriously screwed things up with my sister. A few weeks ago, I had a serious stressed out rage attack, and Hulk smashed my phone into the floor. So naturally, it's broken. Well seeing as how I am a broke unemployed college student, I can't afford to get another one. I couldn't even pay the bill from this month or last. Sooo, I contacted the 'parents', and asked them to add me to their phone plan. Well, they responded that they would right before I went to stay with my sister over Christmas break. She doesn't have internet in her house, and my library card was inactive, and of course I don't have a phone right now. So, anyway, they started blowing up my Facebook page, and my sisters phone, telling me to call them. Which I didn't tell her that I had asked them to get me a new phone. I still had my cover story about them just not giving me any Christmas gifts or something, but that was busted when my brother messaged rachel telling her to tell me to call the 'parents' so I could activate my phone. Which I hadn't received yet, because they sent it to the dorms. Where I live on campus, but I told them that campus was closed over Christmas Break. But they don't remember anything but what they wanted to remember. Like the fact that I didn't in fact have T-Mobile, but Family Mobile. So they probably fucked that whole thing up, and I'll have to manually call their carrier, and figure out how to add my line to their family plan. The thing is, I really don't want to be tied to them in any way. I really don't. They are some of the most selfish and controlling people I have ever know. They're self-righteous, micro-managing, judgmental, and of course, "Christian", so of course that makes it all right or whatever. And I understand Rachel's reasons for making me leave, because if I didn't tell her about the phone, and being in contact with them that way, then what else didn't I tell her about? (the answer is nothing, I hadn't even  been in contact with them until the phone incident) But how is she to know that I'm telling the truth about that, when I lied to her about being in contact with them in the first place?
The thing is, living with her made me a better person, something that five years in a "Christian" group home couldn't do. And I finally figured out why:
The Americanized Christianity is a flawed religion, it does not strictly follow the Bible, and instead tries to interpret the Bible to benefit itself. Meaning, if a Christian person wants to say, really fuck up someones day, Blackmail them for example, they could justify that in either saying that they felt "Led" to do so, or that whoever they messed with was a "sinner" and therefor had reasons for what they did. So saying, when I went there, it was because I had a really bad habit of stealing things. Little things like a snack out of the refrigerator at night, (which I don't know why thats considered stealing, it's supposed to be family food right?) or shoplifting candy from the supermarket. Stupid little things. And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why I did that. Why I took things I didn't even want really, things I definitely didn't need. And then when I went places without them, I continued to do it even when they weren't there. Well some girl in my Girl Scout troop lost her iPod, and of course, everyone assumed it was me, Because well, I was a Kleptomaniac right? Well I'm gonna just say that I did NOT steal her iPod, and even though they never found the stupid thing in my stuff, they still said I had taken it, even though they turned my room upside down, and took everything away and locked me in my room. only letting me out for school, and meals. They had been locking me in my room since I was nine, first only at night, but then soon it was all day, for weeks on end. They even went so far as to take the electricity out of my room, because my 'mother' thought I was getting too pretty, and didn't want people to be able to see me through the window at night. Well that happened for about four years until I was 13. At which point, they shipped me off to Shiloh Christian Children's Ranch in Nowheresville Missouri. Well I continued to steal things while I was there, and actually, my Kleptomania got worse. In the end I ended up borrowing a car from one of the houses there, and going joyriding. (I returned the car in one piece, except for the flat tire the car already had was missing all its rubber. But nobody wanted to focus on the fact that I brought it back, just the fact that I took it in the first place.) Anyway they pressed charges, and kept insisting that they enforce the maximum penalty on me which for a Class C felony of Grand Theft Auto, is I think up to seven years in prison. Which I'm over here like What. The. Fuck?  I was only seventeen. A minor, and I did in fact replace the tire, And I returned the car about a half an hour after I had taken it. Well the DA took pity on me, and was gonna give me a slap on the wrist, but they all but paid her to put me on probation. So I got six months Supervised, and six Unsupervised. And I'm still finishing up my unsupervised, I get off next month for good. Well anyway they basically blamed every incident around the group home on me (there were tons) and so I was basically a scape goat until graduation. But leaving, and going back to Montana with them, I still had the urge to shoplift, and it wasn't until I had gotten to My sisters house that I stopped. And then I realized what it was. They wanted me to keep stealing so they could have someone to blame all their problems on. Someone whose life they could make miserable so they could feel better about their own. Of course they said that they felt 'led by God' to treat me like shit. But my sister didn't expect me to be dishonest. She had Ultimate trust in me. And so when I tried to steal, I was almost physically choked out with guilt. Which is why I'm so heartbroken about breaking her trust, because she's been the only one who has completely believed that I could be more than what everyone else thought I was.
Well being temporarily removed from her family, I spent New Years Eve alone, so I walked down to a bar hoping to pick up a drunk for the night, and hope that I didn't get some STD, and ended up meeting this 49 year old man named Tony, who took me to this house party, and where I actually had a lot of fun, except I smoked almost a pack worth of cigarettes, so now I'm going into the new year trying to cut down to maybe one a week, so naturally I have a huge headache. But it is what it is.
C'est La Vie
Viva la Vida
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed, hot_tunes♪♫

Story Of My Life

So I don't know if anyone is gonna read this, or whatnot, but whatever. I'm not writing this to anyone. I'm writing down my own damn life, and if you find it interesting, then by all means whatever.

Anyway this year SUCKED!
Graduate from high school by the skin of my teeth, and finally get out of the group home that I've been stuck in for the past Five years, only to get stuck in a tiny town in the middle of freaking Montana. MONTANA!! Who the Fuck even cares about Montana right? Well I ended up living in my 'parents' basement in Troy Montana. A microscopic fishing town smack in the middle of nowhere. Working at Troy Community Baptist Church for five hundred dollars a month. Let me just pause to state, I DO NOT DO CHURCH. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti Christian by any means, but the Americanized White Surpremic Christianic religion? Hell to the No! Well I was doing my thing. Get up and be driven to work, because do to my going joyriding at age 17, (I didn't even crash the car. It had a flat tire, and I dertroyed the rubber. Yeah... pretty damn idiotic on my part, I admit that fully), they decided they wouldn't let me get my license until I was 19. Well I shore as hell was Not having that. Sooo I got a hold of my 35 year old sister, which was pretty damn hard to do because I only got half an hour of supervised computer time per day, and arranged to go move in with her in June. Which gave me appriximately a week and a half to remove my financial aid from the microscopic community college that my parents had enrolled me in(It wasnt even a campus, Flathead Valley Community College, Lincon County Campus. Which consisted of a one story building and a half, a tree, a tiny gravel parking lot, and a picnic table. It did have 'dorms' I think; three little rooms with beds in them in the back of the building), and apply to North Idaho College in Couer d'Alene Idaho. Which I mean it's still Fucking Idaho, in a big small town by a lake but Whatever, It's better than Montana. Well I got accepted and whatnot, which was extremely difficult to hide since the 'parents' were monitoring my mail too. But I did it, and got the hell out of there and went to spend the summer in Spokane Washington with my sister, and her sons, one of which used to be my brother, but thats a long complicated story. Anyway, I stayed with them, worked a shitty job with good pay, at Pull & Save Auto Parts as a cashier who knows nothing about cars. But I got my license, and I got through the summer, and went to college. Which turned out to be the suckiest campus on history. No available recreation on campus. The had all the buildings, the dorms, the classes, and a patch of sand on the lake, but thats about it. Anyway, that's where I am now. Living in the most boring dorms the world has ever known. (I mean everyone goes home every weekend.It's so stupid! Its like you had like at least 17 years to live with your family, you're an adult now, It's time to grow up, and learn to live without seeing your parents every five days.) Anyway it sucks. The only good thing about it is the Music hall. I'm a Music Performance Major, so I get full access to the practice room pianos, and the recording labs and piano lab. It's great because I can use music to unwind, so I don't punch somebody and get kicked out. The other good thing about it is Roger, a Jamaican soccer player who am seriously growing feelings for. He makes me laugh, and unlike a couple other guys I've been with, he acknowledges me in public, like I'll be walking with my people, and he'll be walking with his, and he'll catch my eye and smile this ADORABLE smile or check me out, with these brown eyes that make me tingly all over, or he'll say hi, and if we're both going the same direction, and aren't already walking with someone, he'll walk next to me and talk to me. I mean I'm not in love with him by any means. I find it very hard to love anyone or anything, because I always end up getting hurt, but I am seriously head over heels in Lust with him. And that's good enough for me right now. Also, He likes to cuddle!!!! Nobody I have ever met (Who's a guy) likes to cuddle, but he does, and I really, Really, REALLY like that. Like A LOT!!
The thing is that I haven't really had a lot of luck in love. Ok, I havent really had ANY. A couple of potential relationships that were always either screwed up by either Yours Truly, or, the mutiple 'parents' I've had through the years. One summer fling that lasted maybe three and a half days at church camp, my first kiss! Can you belive it? Never been kissed, (Not for Real) until age 16. And then he decided that my friend Haley was more interesting than me. Maybe bacause I didn't want to get laid in the dirt in a rusty old shed at church camp. (I did let him suck my tits though, it was nice) Anyway, then there was James who I fell hard for at NYR, on the mountain, but I had to leave before I could kiss him or anything, and I never saw him again. Had several crushes through High School, which I always ended up creeping out because I would make up these secrets that we were dating. Which of course we never did but whatever.
I lost my virginity about a month and a half ago. At age 18 Woohoo. Some sleazebag who lives in the dorms here on campus. I guess he just wanted to see what it was like to bang a black woman or something. Either that he was sexually starved. Whatever It wasn't too bad. He booty called me one time after that, and we did some stuff in his truck.
But Roger, Yeah I slept with him. Correction, I fucked him, bent over against the bathroom counter, but it felt great, and he is an AMAZING kisser. He continues to talk to me and we still see eachother, in the darkness of his dorm room, and those little moments are what makes my pitiful life at college bearable.
Well my cell phone broke about a week and a half ago. I had a rage attack and,like an idiot, beamed the floor with it. Real smart right? Well I am BROKE so I asked the 'parents', whom my sister hates, for a new one. Well my sister found out and I should have told her straight up what was going on, but like an idiot, I didn't, and she kicked me out and now I'm finishing Christmas break in a shitty apartment with my brother, who stole my food money, and this is my current life.
Going into 2014 riding solo acting like the tough girl and like nothing bothers me, except that leaving my sweet nephew sucked and I broke down and cried, something I haven't done in a long time when he hugged me goodbye. I love him like the little brother I never had. That was the most painful goodbye I've had to say in a long time.
Well, Happy New Year to me. Maybe I'll go hang out in front of a bar, and see if I can pick up a drunk for the night. (Hope Roger doesn't find out.)
C'est la Vie.
Viva la Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Peace.
Signed,
hot_tunes♪♫