Wednesday, August 6, 2014

On Edge

Have you ever had something so wonderful happen to you that your almost positive it won't last? Something so amazing that you spend every minute dreading the moment when it will disappear and break your heart. This is my predicament. I found him. And he's so sweet, and thoughtful, and so damn cute, and honestly, I'm on edge waiting for the moment when he tells me he can't be with me. That someone like me couldn't possibly think that he and I would last. I'm on edge waiting for the moment when I break his heart, or he breaks mine, because that's all I'm used to. Every minute I spend with him is amazing, but filled with dread for the inevitable. It's just that he's so sweet and loving. And if you know me, I am... well, not. Not that I don't love him, because I do, I just feel like my love isn't strong enough. I feel like I don't know how to love him, the way he deserves. Like if he knew me, my past, he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. Deep down, I know that's not true; chances are, I'll be the one to break his heart. And I hate feeling like that. I want to love him for as long as he'll let me, but I don't know if I'm capable of that degree of love.
I'm emotionally unstable when it comes to relationships. I'm not insane, but I have a tendency to some fairly intense mood swings that no one should have to deal with. And thoughtfulness has never been one of my strong points. Seeing the little things to do to make someone smile does not come easily to me.  It's not that I don't think about him, I do all the time,but I don't know how to just be that person that unconsciously does things because I know it will make him smile. He's so good at that.  He says the sweetest things, and I have no idea what to reply back in return. I feel like I'm not giving him the love I want to give him because I don't know how.
I don't want us to end, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we don't, but I'm on edge wondering if it's enough.

C'est La Vie.
Viva La Vida.
And Fuck the System.
Signed, hot_tunes.